Federal Bureau of Inadequecy

We're not getting the full story most of the time. I have taken the liberty to sort out the meanest little bizzitches on the FBI's Most Wanted list.

Robert William Fisher

Not to be confused with child cannibal and professional creepy old man, Albert Fish. Fisher, pictured above, killed his wife and two young children then blew the house to smithereens in 2001. He has earned the dubious spot of number 6 on the Top Ten Most Wanted List. His resume includes "Surgical Catheter Technician, Respiratory Therapist, Fireman". It is commonly known that firemen belong in strip clubs or saving lives. And what exactly is a "Respiratory Therepist"? Are there people stupid enough to have emotional problems with breathing? No wonder this guy became a murderer. Still At Large.

Jeffery James Fassero

Jeffery James Fasserio is described as "bowlegged and pigeon-toed", which already sounds like a man you don't want to have children with. So why, pray tell, is he wanted for not paying child support?

If I saw this guy walking down the street there would be a red flag parade going on. He is charged with failing to pay child support and alimony as well as abandoning his three children. Which means somewhere in Mississippi are three mini-Jefferys. Now that's scary. Jeffery James Fassero is still at large.

Henry Enriquez

Henry "Kiky" Enriquez is charged with (and I'm not making this up) "gross sexual imposition". Someone define that. ... nevermind. Still at large.

David John Sprong, Jr.

I'm not even going to comment on his name. Wanted for "multiple counts of digital penetration, oral copulation, and fondling of female minors." I gotta hand it to the FBI, they got skill when it comes to making things sound way nicer than they really are. Still at large.

Erik Kristian Moller

Yet another child molester with a way-too-perfect last name. Is the FBI useing psychics to telepathically contact parents of future sex offenders to name them horrible names? Probably not. Still at large.

Carl Stephen Kaminski

According to the FBI report, Kaminski "is a member of NAMBLA (North American Man/Boy Love Association). ... He enjoys square dancing, operating ham radios, and playing video games." A NAMBLA member that plays video games? Who didn't see that one coming? Just for fun, here's another tidbit. Our happy NAMBLA man "may have suicidal tendencies." If I was into square dancing, I would be too. Still at large.

Contact the Leafia Field Office

Because 14 Year Olds on Myspace Know Everything

I decided to check my e-mail because my mom would call me and yell at me if I didn't. So I open up my e-mail and I got a comment on Myspace. Why I have not cancelled that infernal thing is beyond me. It was a post entitled "R U A REAL MAN". Just warning you, this makes an episode of the Golden Girls look laden with testosterone.

1. A REAL MAN respects his mother and places his family first.
I guess a lot of guys are out on that loop, huh?

2.) A REAL MAN raises his kids, not JUST out of pocket either.
What are you doing sleeping around? You're 14! If the guy is a prick I'd much rather have him send me a check every month than have his lazy ass planted on the couch.

3.) A REAL MAN supports his woman to develop herself.
By doing what? Critiquing her outfit when she asks if it makes her look fat and giving an obviously fake "no" so you won't have to sleep on the couch? Next.

4.) A REAL MAN doesn't worry about what others depict as a real man. Walk in his shoes first and then tell him what makes him A REAL MAN.
Then why are you sending me this list defining what a real man is?!

5.) A REAL MAN doesn't Break Promises
Women break promises too. Why the double standard?

6.) A REAL MAN calls you beautiful, not hot, sexy, or fine as [bleep].Beautiful? Beautiful makes you sound like a pussy. Beautiful is used for describing a painting, not a person.

8.) A REAL MAN CALLS U on a daily basis - NO MATTER HOW BUSY OR TIRED HE IS.
If I got a boyfriend like this, I would kick his ass. I'm dead serious. If I want to talk, I'll call you.

9.) A REAL MAN looks past what he's heard about you or what his friends think of you.
Then it turns out they were right all along and you have to live with the guilt of being an idiot.

10.) A REAL MAN wants to spend as much time as he can with you & won't get sick of you.
A REAL MAN sounds more needy than anything else. If I wanted a friend like this, I'd get a dog.

11.) A REAL MAN comes over just to watch movies with you.
Jaws is a one woman movie. Go away.

12.) A REAL MAN kisses you on the forehead just because.
Most men won't even TOUCH your forehead, what makes you think they'll kiss it?

13.) A REAL MAN doesn't tell you what he thinks you want to hear. He tells you what's real.
"Does this make me look fat?" "Are you kidding?! Hell yeah it does!" And he's on the curb faster than a door-to-door Jehovah's Witness.

14.) A REAL MAN should be treated like one.
Okay, then I can smack him around and he won't even whimper. Real men have balls like that.

15.) A REAL MAN doesn't ask questions when you say you need something... him, sex, or money, a bed to sleep in.
Here's something that pisses me off. If a woman asks for sex, she's a whore. If a guy asks for sex, then he's a smooth player. Guys can be whores too.

16.) A REAL MAN lets others know How He Feels About his Girl.
Then that means A REAL MAN gets ridiculed by his friends for lacking balls.

17.) A REAL MAN doesn't play games!!!!!!!!!!!
This must be very important to earn 11 exclamation points.

18.) A REAL MAN doesn't leave his girl to go and hang out with his friends if he hasn't seen her in a week and then call her at 4 in the morning because he needs some loving.
A REAL MAN wouldn't piss me off by being so clingy.

21.) A REAL MAN Doesn't Judge book by the cover.
Have you noticed all the hot bitchy girls get boyfriends and the ugly nice girls don't? That's because the hot bitchy girls are more attractive, and therefore more valuable the a man's pack of stupid friends.

23.) A REAL MAN knows the difference between a REAL WOMAN and a random girl.
Must I remind you that you are 14 and have slept with five guys? I think you fall under column B.


All females repost this if you agree.

All males repost this if you A REAL MAN


I decided this was misleading, so I changed it.


All females repost this if you want a femmy boy.

All males repost this if you're needy and lack balls.

Send me more chain mail so I can tear it apart.

Tag Leafia

Press Circle, Square, Triangle, Up, Left, Select for Salvation!

There's something going that's really screwing with my chi.

A video game which is Christian themed. Not a problem, I can get along with that, Christians deserve their games because the children of hardcore ones are deprived of awesome things like Grand Theft Auto and Halo.

But when a game comes out that says "convert or die" that's when the line has been crossed tenfold.

Thou shalt go forth and moweth all the nonbelievers

Convert or die? Don't we have enough of that in the world already? Don't take my word for it. Just ask CNN, we have fundementalists bombing every living thing that doesn't worship Allah.

Something else you shouldn't take my word for; how misconstrued this game is. Ask Amazon.

The tags don't lie. (Oh wait, sometimes they do). How many doctors, politicians, and other people have we lost to hardcore Jesus-freaks? Or hardcore any-freaks? Way too many. Left Behind Games, however, has a new enemy.

Charles Darwin approved.

That's right, we're not gonna take your kung-fu Bible game. We're playing Counter-strike!

Now if you'll excuse me, I need to make evolution happen.

Convert Leafia

The Most Strenuous Two Letters You'll Ever Type

Because CNN is possibly the best place to find stupid irreverent celebrity news, I decided to check it on the off-chance that it might offer something useful to the betterment of humanity. Alas, I was disappointed once again. But I found something that tweaked my switch.

Quoting from CNN.com; “Sure, they still commit the classic blunders -- like the commonly used "ain't." But an increasing number of Austin's eighth-graders also submit classwork containing "b4," "ur," "2" and "wata" -- words that may confuse adults but are part of the teens' everyday lives.
This "instant messaging-speak" or "IM-speak" emerged more than a decade ago. Used in e-mail and cell phone text messages, most teens are familiar with this tech talk and use it to flirt, plan dates and gossip.”

Just what we need; more eighth-graders polluting the vernacular of the English language.

I live on the internet lurking on message boards and I see people with the stunted mentality that "lol" constitutes as a sentence, period, comma, semi-colon, colon, and every other part of speech and punctuation. If I were a teacher, I would teach lessons on how not to piss anyone off on the internet.

"The IM-speak is so prevalent now," said Austin, a language arts teacher at Stonewall Jackson Middle School in Orlando. "I'm always having to instruct my students against using it."

It's not a giant mystery how to teach children to type two more letters. That's all it would take to keep these teachers from grading "ur" paper with a huge F written in Shakespeare's blood. I know it's a huge chore to type "your." Skip the "yo" and just go to the "ur", right?

I'm not making this up, 100% true story. I was minding my own business on the internet and an IM window comes up. I can't be bother to remember this guy's screen name.

someguy: hi
Leafia: Hello.
someguy: u rp?
Leafia: I only Roleplay with people who use proper grammar and take the time to write two extra letters.
someguy: lol
Leafia: 'lol' means you have nothing else to say.
someguy: lol
Leafia: You know when you read something you come away from it thinking you just got stupider?
someguy: yea
Leafia: This is one of them.
someguy: lmao

And after that I blocked the guy and went out to go cut down a tree in the Amazon that had a nest of endangered baby birds in it out of spite. But I saved the baby birds and taught them to type correctly.

E-Mail Leafia